Kristin Lavransdatter: "Honor Among Kin" and truths laid bare

Kristin has to move back to Jørundgaard and she's whiny about it, Erlend is too happy and that bothers both Simon and Kristin, Simon goes through an existential crisis

This explores the seventh section of Kristin Lavransdatter in the Tiina Nunnally translation, “Honor Among Kin”, and is number 7/9 in a series analyzing the characters and theology in Kristin Lavransdatter, by Sigrid Undset.

Undset begins book three of her Kristin Lavransdatter trilogy, The Cross, with the section “Honor Among Kin”, which starts with a noticeable tone shift from the previous book, The Wife. This seventh section assumes a darker, more sunken tone, settling even deeper into the innermost parts of the characters souls to brood. All of Undset’s writing has a strong interior focus on her characters, taking time to note even minute emotions or experiences of the characters, but in “Honor Among Kin” this becomes even more pronounced, so that the reader has the overall impression of sinking the depths of an icy lake where a certain stillness has taken hold.

And indeed, especially for the characters of Kristin and Simon, who receive the most attention in this section, their souls take on a frozen quality, aware of their own cloudy vices but unwilling to thaw their hearts to move past them. Because “Honor Among Kin” focuses so heavily on Simon and Kristin, I will depart from my usual chronological analyses, and instead focus first on what Kristin goes through in this section, and then turn to Simon’s experience. The insights we encounter concerning Simon’s person are particularly potent and illuminating.

First, in regards to Undset’s titular heroine, Kristin:

At “Honor Among Kin”’s opening, Kristin and Erlend, along with all their family and servants, are resettled at Jørundgaard. Erlend had to sell off all his lands, including his ancestral estate of Husaby, to make reparations for his treasonous acts against King Magnus, leaving them only with Kristin’s lands, which, as part of the marriage agreement, had been kept under Kristin’s name. One might think, given all of Kristin’s pining for her childhood home and complaining about the mismanagement and chaos of Husaby, such a move would be to Kristin’s liking, but such an assumption fails to take into account Kristin’s penchant for ingratitude and resentment.

Kristin finds Jørundgaard boring and quiet now, focusing only on what it lacks, despite the fact that she spent the past 15 years dreaming of all the good it possessed:

“She missed everything that she had once found so wearisome: all the housekeeping, the scores of servants, the clamor of Erlend’s men as they rode into the courtyard with clanging weapons and jangling harnesses, the strangers who came and went, bringing them great news from all over the land and gossip about people in the town and countryside. Now she realized how quiet her life had become when all this had been silenced.” ¹

And further:

“Jørundgaard was a good estate, but it was not as good as she had thought.” ²

For readers, it’s incredibly frustrating to find our leading lady again just bemoaning all that isn’t good enough in her life, when in her previous situation she did just the same thing, but concerning different elements; however I am quickly reminded how alike I myself am. I spend all spring anticipating summer, and within days of summer’s arrival I’m wistful for fall. During fall I can’t help but look forward to the Christmas holidays, and then during winter’s full height I pine for spring, only to begin the process all over again. One so often moves through childhood dreaming of the next stage of growth when one receives greater freedoms, only to then receive the fullness of freedom and desire childhood again. The fallenness of the world burdens humanity with this terrible desire for all good and beautiful things, all at once, perpetually, a glimpse of our yearning for God and the eternal happiness of heaven, but here on Earth we bear the curse of beauty being fleeting and impossible to hold all at once.

Part of Undset’s genius is how she writes her characters in such a way that they hold a mirror up to ourselves - as I read about Kristin’s fickleness I easily and quickly feel frustrated and annoyed at her inconstancy, only to realize I behave in the same ways. Undset writes in such a way that exposes the reality of human faults in an undeniable fashion, and allows us space to then make the connection to our own undeniable participation in these faults. I know a number of people who find Undset’s work very difficult to keep specifically because of this aspect, of how precisely Undset zeros in on particularly problematic human behaviors and moves us to recognize them in our own life. I see this capacity certainly as a strength, not a flaw in her writing, as it moves me to come to understand myself more, and as St. Teresa of Calcutta said, “Self knowledge puts us on our knees, and it is very necessary for love. For knowledge of God gives love, and knowledge of self gives humility”. Reading Undset’s writing can be a humbling experience because it exposes so much of our own faults within her characters, but all the more worthy of praise because of this.

So Kristin wants to have an estate both busy and quiet, both central and secluded, both busy and unbothered, and this is simply indicative of the natural human desire for perfection that we all carry, but that only can be satisfied in God. Unfortunately for Kristin, she still struggles with allowing God to hold that place of true primacy and sovereignty in her life, and so she mutters over the imperfections of her estate.

Adding to her new dissatisfaction with Jørundgaard is the fact that Erlend is happy, and she feels he ought not to be. The very observation that her husband is happy and satisfied in this smaller, less important life drives Kristin to dislike their life more:

“He couldn’t possibly feel the way he outwardly seemed. He must be unhappy here. She herself… Her father’s estate at the bottom of the quiet, closed-in valley… no, this no longer seemed to her the most beautiful and safest home in the world. It felt closed off. Surely Erlend must think that it was ugly and confining and unpleasant.

But no one could tell anything from his appearance except that he seemed content.” ³

Kristin would enjoy their life at Jørundgaard more if she saw that it caused Erlend pain and regret, because that’s what she wants him to feel. She, despite her long romantic year or caresses and sweet words to Erlend while he was in prison, resents Erlend for bringing this situation on their family, and she resents Erlend even more for being content with their lot. Kristin wants Erlend to brood and mope and despair over his mistakes as much as Kristin does over her own, and to see his equanimity in the face of their fortune infuriates Kristin. And so she cannot like Jørundgaard, even if she did overcome her vice of ingratitude, for to do so in her mind would be to pardon Erlend of his mistakes, and this she refuses, as always, to do.

Erlend embraces the slower, simpler pace of Jørundgaard, spending more time with his sons and relaxing around his family. However, this new behavior of Erlend’s, which Kristin previously desired and fumed against Erlend for not doing, she now finds as cause for annoyance:

“It was so difficult to talk about it to Erlend when he didn’t seem to realize himself that he shouldn’t take the older boys and run off with them into the woods when there was more than enough work to be done on the estate.” ⁴

Her ire at Erlend playing with his sons becomes so strong, Kristin’s mere sight by her children becomes the signal to put merriment and laughter away. In one scene, Erlend is playing with Munan, the youngest little toddler, and Naakkve, the eldest young teen, and as soon as the trio catch sight of Kristin’s approach, Naakkve hurries to look busy and industrious.

“He [Erlend] had put her horsehair sieve on the little boy’s head, saying that now Munan would be invisible, because it wasn’t really a sieve but a wood nymph’s hat. All three of them laughed, but as soon as Naakkve saw his mother, he handed her the sieve, stood up, and took the milk pails from her.” ⁵

This is a small instance, but it powerfully illustrates the way Kristin is now viewed by her family. She puts them on edge, makes them feel that they cannot be at ease or leisurely around her, as if they are afraid that anything might cause Kristin to snip at them. She is no longer seen as a shelter or safe person, not a source of warmth, but rather one whom they must be wary of.

Kristin herself resolves to never complain to Erlend again:

“It was difficult to talk to Erlend about this because it was Kristin’s firm resolve that her husband should never hear from her a single word that he might perceive as a criticism of his behavior or a complaint over the fate that he had brought upon himself and his sons.” ⁶

In reality, what this resolve amounts to is a bitter resolution to never ask Erlend for help. Kristin clings to the letter of the law, priding herself that she never explicitly complains to Erlend, but utterly fails to abide by the spirit of it, because this resolution of hers only magnifies one hundredfold the resentment towards Erlend that she carries in her heart. One can see by how her family interacts with her that she is not a pleasant person to be around. Instead, she’s embittered and angry and antagonistic towards everyone, showing animosity in every passive way possible, but then inwardly feeling she’s done no wrong because she was not openly and plainly accusatory.

Kristin is, of course, deluding herself. We have all encountered people who express their anger in solely passive aggressive ways, and it is without question a worse punishment than if those individuals should just honestly express their anger. The most frustrating aspect of interacting with someone who is passive aggressively angry is when one enquires if they are upset, and they passionately and belligerently assert that they are not upset and why in the world would you think that all while heatedly stomping from one place to another. When such a denial occurs, it blocks you from even expressing your pain at their anger and hostility, leaving you rather powerless to fix the situation. One understands why Erlend and his sons spend so much time going out hunting and riding; they are employing the same strategy I usually do when dealing with an extremely passive aggressive person: avoidance.

That being said, I certainly sympathize with Kristin as well. Her husband isn’t helping do any of the work and chores Kristin understands to be vitally necessary to their families survival, a survival which has now been made more difficult and arduous by Erlend’s own actions. I would be angry too. Ultimately however, my sympathies do lie more with Erlend, because Kristin refuses to speak openly and vulnerably to Erlend about all of this. She wants Erlend to do the work, but not simply in a contented, happy way; she wants him to grovel, to feel terrible, to spend his days in regretful mourning over all the pain he caused his family; in short, she wants Erlend to suffer for what he did, and that impulse, while understandable, is not a good or virtuous one.

I have felt that in my life - when certain people have hurt me, I have felt that boiling anger rise up within me that wants to see them experience all the pain that I did, to spend the rest of their lives sorrowing over the wounds they gave me. But that impulse is not one directed towards true justice or mercy, but simply revenge, and ultimately indulging it will only prolong the openness of the original wound I received. Kristin says she’s forgiven Erlend, but the reality is that she is still holding all of his wrongs as a sharpened knife to his throat, which will only keep her from ever escaping her own misery and regret.

And so Kristin broods over Erlend, broods over the past, broods over her sins, broods over the fact that she broods, ultimately locked in her own self-enforced isolation as her relationships with both Erlend and her sons begin to fray away. Yes, she works so hard for them all, she takes on most of the responsibilities of the estate, manages most everything in the household, but all of this is not done as a gift but as a means to maintain reasons to be furious at Erlend and have proof of her own righteousness.

There are moments so painful between Kristin and Erlend, like when Kristin is trying to avoid physical intimacy with Erlend by delaying going to bed through chores:

“But then she could find no more tasks to do. She undressed in the dark and lay down in the bed next to Erlend. When he put his arms around her, she felt weariness wash over her whole body like a cold wave; her head felt empty and heavy, as if everything inside it had sunk down and settled like a knot of pain in the back of her neck. But when he whispered to her, she dutifully put her arms around his neck.” ⁷

I read this and feel so terribly for Kristin’s isolation and the fact that this is what their marital union has become for her; I wish Erlend wouldn’t be so blind and use common sense to obviously see his wife did not desire intimacy that night; and then lastly I again feel frustration at Kristin because I don’t think she sees her supposedly dutiful actions as a gift, but rather as another brick to build her argument against Erlend. Here, I think she only agrees to intimacy with him so that in the future, while she’s resenting him, she can add onto that resentment, ‘Yes, and even when I am bone weary from all the chores he leaves me to do, I still dutifully allow him to be intimate with me. He doesn’t even see it, he just takes and takes from me without ever caring to give’.

In my own experience of husbands, and I will admit I have an amazing, wonderful, loving husband, a husband who truly loved his wife would never want her to consent to intimacy if she was exhausted, if she felt unwell, or if she was unwilling. Erlend is very imperfect, but I don’t feel he would demand intimacy from his Kristin unless she truly desired it as well, and so Kristin’s actions toward him feel almost like she wants him to not notice her exhaustion and reticence so she can add it to her list of Erlend’s failures.

Perhaps I am wrong and Erlend would do something so terrible as to demand intimacy from his wife when she felt tired and unwell; we don’t get Erlend’s point of view in this scene, but I read this and both empathize with Kristin and beg her to simply communicate with Erlend. Tell him you’re exhausted because you’re doing all the chores and the work, tell him you’d be more interested in intimacy if he helped more around the house, tell him you need him, and please tell him in a way that doesn’t make him feel like you see him as the scum between your toes!

After this incident, Kristin slips out of bed because she’s not able to sleep, which I relate to so much. My poor husband has had to endure many a serious, intensely vulnerable discussion at 10:30 PM because I’m not able to fall asleep next to him if I have any strong feelings I need to talk through with him. Kristin, obviously feeling strong feelings against Erlend after some unwanted physical intimacy, goes to walk outside. This scene poignantly mirrors the emotional distress and distance that Ragnfrid felt when Kristin was a little girl and would get up often in the middle of the night to wander in the cold. That behavior, which Kristin noted as a child as the first sign to her that all was not at peace within her mother, Kristin now exhibits herself:

“After a while she slipped out of bed, got dressed in the dark, and crept out the door.

The moon was sailing high over the world. The moss glistened with water, and the rocky cliffs gleamed where streams had trickled during the day – now they had turned to ice. Up on the plateaus frost glittered. It was bitterly cold.” ⁸

Kristin meanders through the night and ultimately makes her way past the chapel, eventually coming to a rock formation that she decides to climb. She feels trepidation at the climb, a moment of fear for her safety, and then does something very telling about the state of her soul:

“Her stomach clenched tight, her womb felt cold and empty with fear, but she refused to make the sign of the cross. Then she climbed up and sat on top of the rock.” ⁹

This is a small, but incredibly significant act for Kristin; she purposefully steels herself, one might say hardens her heart, against God, so as to build up enough derision as to refuse to ask for God’s help when climbing. It’s all very childish of her, first to decide to climb this rock formation and endanger herself meaninglessly in this way, and then to intentionally decide she will not ask for God’s protection. But it is very indicative towards how her hardness of heart towards Erlend moves her hardness of heart towards God. She doesn’t want to ask for help - life has dealt her a difficult fortune, and she sees both God and Erlend as responsible, and to enact revenge against their role in her fate, she refuses to give them the satisfaction of her reliance upon them. Just like Kristin stubbornly goes through the motions with Erlend, allowing all the physical elements of marriage to remain though the interior relationship is absent, Kristin stubbornly goes through the motions with God, dutifully saying her prayers, attending Mass, giving alms, going to confession, but the interior of her heart is cold towards God. In Kristin’s relationship with God, she similarly follows the letter of the law so as to maintain her self-righteousness, but the spirit of the law is dead within her, and she has no love or true gift of self.

This is where Kristin remains for all of “Honor Among Kin”; she maintains an outward appearance of perfection, diligence, and obedience to both Erlend and God, but inwardly a resentment towards both that uses her exterior righteousness as justification for her anger and denial of true self-gift to both.

Now let us turn to Simon, whose character undergoes his most climactic self-realization in this section. Simon is unhappy that Kristin and Erlend have returned to Jørundgaard to live; they are now much closer to Simon and Ramborg, and see one another much more frequently. For Simon, who let it slip out to Erlend in the previous section that he still loved Kristin, the familiarity is torturous. Kristin’s constant presence reminds Simon of his own faults and imperfections, and it is these more so than any sort of painful pining after Kristin that bring Simon the most torment, for:

“He thought it shameful and unmanly if he could not be content with such a life as he had.” ¹⁰

Additionally, Simon has frequent lustful dreams about Kristin, but again, it’s not the lack of their reality in his life or the fact that he is not married to Kristin that upsets him most about these dreams - it’s that they make him feel imperfect and assail his image of himself as an upright and righteous man.

“He had never surrendered. He was tormented, tormented, tormented by them. Whenever he woke up from these sinful dreams, he felt as if he himself had been violated in his sleep.” ¹¹

His own frail humanity is brought to bear by Kristin’s presence, and it is this more than anything that he wishes to escape.

Additionally, the more frequent familial interactions make it clear to Ramborg as well that Simon still loves Kristin, and that Simon has never treated Ramborg in the same way that he regards Kristin. This begins to create discord in Simon and Ramborg’s marriage. Ramborg points out that Simon still doesn’t treat her like a true adult:

“Yes, you always seem to be so afraid that something will make me mad – and something so frivolous,” replied Ramborg. And the others saw that she was close to tears.

“You know quite well, Ramborg, that’s not the only way I act,” said Simon. “And it’s not just frivolous things either…”

“I wouldn’t know,” replied his wife in the same tone of voice. “It has never been your habit, Simon, to talk to me about important matters.” ¹²

Simon’s responses to Ramborg’s accusations regarding him treating her as a child are very poor indeed, wherein he mostly just assents to the truth of Ramborg’s claims and asks, ‘Well, what can I do about it?’ Ramborg begins to realize the injustice of Simon’s agreement to marry her when he held no romantic interest in her, but feels at a loss for how to right the situation.

Meanwhile, we begin to realize that Simon hates to be helped almost as much as Kristin. He very much prides himself on being a strong, self-sufficient man, the antithesis of Erlend, so much so that even when ill he rages against those who try to help him. In one instance, Kristin herself experiences this when she travels to Formo, Simon and Ramborg’s estate, to help during a bout of sickness for Simon:

“When Kristin arrived at Formo and went in to see the man, he refused to allow her to touch him or even look at him. He was so irate that Ramborg, greatly distressed, begged her sister’s forgiveness for asking her to come. Simon had not been any kinder toward her, she said, the first time he fell ill after they were married and she tried to nurse him. Whenever he had throat boils, he would retreat to the old building they called the Sæmund house, and he couldn’t stand to have anyone near him except for a horrid, filthy, and lice-ridden old man named Gunstein, who had served at Dyfrin since before Simon was born.” ¹³

As noted, the only one Simon allows to help him is a man suitably disgusting enough for Simon to maintain that he is not indebted to Gunstein for helping him, that indeed the mere opportunity to assist Simon is actually a gift in itself for one as repulsive as Gunstein.

At one point, Simon’s son Andres has fallen gravely ill, and Kristin, being well regarded for her skill with herbs and healing, comes to help. All seems hopeless, as Andres worsens, and finally Kristen suggests trying a method of old folkmagic to heal him, where one goes to a cemetery to take dirt from over someone’s grave and bring it back to sprinkle on the sick person. Simon is horrified by this, as they thought it to be a damnable, mortal sin involving witchcraft, and at first decries Kristin’s plan. However, as the conversation continues, Kristin can see Simon actually does wish for her to do it, and she prepares to leave. Right before she goes, she checks with Simon once more to see if he does not wish her to do this:

“But if you don’t want me to make this last attempt…”

He stood as before, with his head bowed, and did not reply. Then Kristin repeated her question, unaware that an odd little smile, almost scornful, had appeared on her white lips. “Do you not want me to go?”

He turned his head away. And so she walked past him, stepped soundlessly out of the door, and closed it silently behind her.” ¹⁴

This is a momentous moment for Kristin and Simon both. Simon has long prided himself on being not like Erlend; he was upright in his actions with Kristin, he respected the honor of Lavrans and his daughters, he would never have done to Kristin what Erlend did, meaning lead her into mortal sin. However here, just as Erlend expressed his deep desire for a mortal sin to which Kristin acquiesced, Simon too expressed his deep desire for a mortal sin to which Kristin acquiesced. Simon is supposed to be the stronger man that would never lead another into sin, but here he does the exact same thing to Kristin. This is why Kristin’s smile is ‘almost scornful’; she sees the parallels, she now knows that, when confronted with strongest desire, Simon is no better at protecting Kristin than Erlend was.

Later, as Kristin walks through the cemetery, she acknowledges that part of her takes a perverted pleasure in seeing Simon complicit in this sin with her, in seeing Simon fall in such a way:

“Now she was walking along, not daring to call on a good and holy name; she took upon herself this sin in order to … She didn’t know what. Was it revenge? Revenge because she had been forced to see that he was more noble-minded than the two of them?

But now you too understand, Simon, that when the life of the one you love more than your own heart is at stake… Then the poor person grasps for anything, anything.” ¹⁵

Kristin, who was forced in Brynhild Fluga’s inn to follow the honorable Simon, shoeless and ashamed, out the door when discovered with Erlend, now gets to see him act in a similar manner when Simon deeply desires something. She no longer has to view him as the more noble-minded, and she takes an unfortunate amount of pleasure in this.

For Simon, this is the beginning of a long series of painfully illustrative events that culminate with the complete destruction of his dearly beloved and long held belief that he is superior to Erlend. Much of Simon’s strategy employed to cope with the humiliation of having his betrothed spurn him for another, arguably less honorable man lies in finding solace in Kristin having made a poor choice. Simon is able to aid Kristin when Erlend is in jail, live alongside Kristin and her family, maintain a cordial relationship with both her and Erlend, by fixing them in his mind as pitiful, weaker human beings. He needs to see Kristin suffering for not choosing him, and only in seeing her trapped in such a state is he able to be benevolent to her. Similarly with Erlend, he is able to maintain kindness and composure towards his brother in law under the provision that Simon sees himself as superior to Erlend, as magnanimously condescending down to Erlend in his relationship with him.

This precarious management of his relationship with Erlend is threatened by anyone else who views Erlend favorably. Simon dislikes when he sees anyone in his family even show any fondness towards Erlend:

“He didn’t like the fact that Ramborg had spoken of this matter, or that she was so capricious, or that Ulvhild, little girl though she was, seemed so charmed by Erlend – just as all women were.” ¹⁶

Similarly, Simon struggles when other men view Erlend with any sort of favor. In one instance, when Erlend helps to settle a legal dispute swiftly and confidently after much arguing from all the other men, Simon bridles at Erlend having enjoyed any modicum of success, especially when Simon himself had been unable to solve the matter:

“But he [Simon] had fallen into a bad mood. He knew full well that it was childish of him to be cross because his brother-in-law had understood the matter while he had not.” ¹⁷

In addition to the social success, Simon experiences jealousy at Erlend’s confident, unbothered attitude among his peers. Erlend is truly unbothered by the fact that many other men might view him with disdain, pity, or resentment; he acts exactly as he desires to act, without any regard to how it will be viewed by others. This is absolutely a weakness for Erlend in many instances of his life, but it can also be a great strength. Erlend is unaffected by the opinions or pressures of others, doing freely as he pleases without caring what others think. Simon, in contrast, lives a great deal of his life in accordance with what he thinks will be viewed as the respectable and righteous thing to do. He is much more swayed by peer pressure, and as much as he often thinks Erlend stupid and reckless for often acting brashly without regard for how his actions will be perceived, Simon can’t help but also admire Erlend for his confidence. Simon muses:

“It was also strange that he [Erlend] could stand up in that manner, completely untroubled. He had to be aware that this made the others think about who and what he had been and what his situation now was. Simon could feel the others thinking about this; some probably resented this man, who never seemed to care what other people thought of him. But no one said anything.” ¹⁸

Erlend’s sheer confidence and independence from the opinions of others moves men to respect him, even when they don’t respect so many other aspects of his conduct. As Simon experiences respect for this quality of Erlend’s, it moves him to anger at Erlend for eliciting any form of admiration from Simon.

“With an oddly fierce sense of bitterness, Simon suddenly felt allied with these farmers from here in the valley – men whom Erlend respected so little that he didn’t even wonder what they might think of him… For this brother-in-law of his he had as good as denied his king and departed from the ranks of royal retainers. He had revealed to Erlend something that he found more bitter than death to recall whenever it entered his thoughts. And yet Erlend behaved toward him as if he had understood nothing and remembered nothing. It didn’t seem to trouble the fellow at all that he had wreaked havoc with another man’s life.” ¹⁹

Simon wants Erlend to suffer as Kristin does, to stew in regret and bitterness at past actions and present sufferings, but Erlend never broods, never nurses rancorous wounds of the heart until they fester and poison the soul, and this Simon cannot stand. Simon is willing to be kind, generous, amiable, in return for both Kristin and Erlend living in constant suffering and regret for their mistakes, but while Kristin cooperates with this wish, Erlend doesn’t. He simply moves on, unbothered, which frustrates both Simon and Kristin.

After the settling of this legal matter, inflammatory words cause a fight to break out between Simon and a few other farmers. Simon kills one of the farmers, but then finds himself cornered and about to die himself until Erlend appears and swoops in to save his life. This only adds to Simon annoyance at Erlend and further frustrates his ability to view Erlend as a lesser man:

“There was also the fact that he owed Elend his life. He didn’t yet know what import this would have, but he felt as if everything would be different, now that he and Erlend were even.

In that way they were even at least.” ²⁰

Even when Simon is recognizing in the above quotation that he can no longer view Erlend as in debt to him because Simon saved his life, Simon still gropes after more justifications for why Erlend owes him, why Erlend should feel subject to him.

As the two men rest for the night before continuing home, as Simon was wounded in the battle, Erlend thanks him again for all of Simon’s help in his and Kristin’s life, and for how good of a brother-in-law he has been to them. Erlend mentions to Simon how Kristin views him as a true brother, meaning it to be a complement and sign of their kinship, but which Simon receives with acid.

“There was an almost mocking ring to his [Simon’s] voice.

“When our son was ill, she showed that she was a loyal sister,” he said somberly, but then that slightly jesting tone was back. “Well, Erlend, we have kept faith with each other the way we swore to do when we gave our hands to Lavrans and vowed to stand by each other as brothers.”

“Yes,” said Erlend, unsuspecting. “I’m glad for what I did today too, Simon, my brother-in-law.” They both fell silent for a while. Then Erlend hesitantly stretched out his hand to the other man.” ²¹

Erlend is, as Undset says, ‘unsuspecting’ in this conversation; he does not pick up on Simon’s mockery, nor his ironic tone as he speaks. (Erlend is famously terrible at picking up on others’ emotions and subtle signals). Simon feel wretched, hating that he is so closely related to this man he desires to despise, hating that this man is being kind to him and just saved his life, hating that others would look at them and perceive two close brothers when Simon so longs to have no association with Erlend. To all of this, Erlend is blind, and so unaware of the terrible awkwardness he brings about when he reaches out for Simon’s hand.

Immediately after Erlend does so, Simon stiffens and does not respond with any sort of corresponding fraternal affection. Erlend is at once overwhelmed with the uncomfortability of knowing you read the room wrong, and suffers through a few seconds of leaving his hand on Simon’s before retracting it in utter confusion and embarrassment. As it dawns on Erlend that Simon has not been feeling the warm fuzzies quite like Erlend has, Erlend tries to amend the situation by again acknowledging Simon’s kindness and goodness, grasping for a way to rectify the sudden iciness. Unfortunately, Erlend doesn’t understand the source of the iciness, and so only ends up adding to the situation by saying something that further angers Simon:

Erlend said quite softly, “You have treated me so magnanimously, Simon Darre, that I think few men are your equal. I … I haven’t forgotten…

“But you must remember, Simon,” he said in a low voice, “the old saying: Many a man is given what was intended for another, but no one is given another man’s fate.”

Simon raised his head sharply. Slowly his face flushed blood red; the veins at his temples stood out like dark, twisted cords.

Erlend glanced at him for a moment but quickly withdrew his eyes. Then he too turned crimson. A strangely delicate and girlish blush spread over his tan skin. He sat motionless, embarrassed and confused, with his little, childish mouth open.” ²²

Oh, I feel for Erlend in this moment; I have experienced first hand the struggle to improve a tense and hostile atmosphere when you don’t understand why it turned tense and hostile in the first place, the terrible regret and bewilderment that arises when you attempt to help a situation, and it backfires, the stinging humiliation of realizing you considered someone to be a closer friend than they consider you to be.

The more Simon sees that Erlend doesn’t understand his anger, the more Simon’s fury rises, as it becomes even more plain how Erlend sees Simon as a friend and brother, not as a man to whom he should grovel and feel indebted. Simon does not actually desire a repaired relationship with Erlend, in much the same way that Kristin doesn’t want a repaired relationship with Erlend. What Simon and Kristin really desire is for Erlend to suffer and agonize over how he has hurt both of them, and they are both infuriated when they perceive Erlend instead simply seeking to have relationships of love with them.

Simon cannot grasp Erlend’s childlike contentment and desire to makeup and move on, and throughout “Honor Among Kin” he becomes aware for the first time that this is a fault. Erlend has a capacity to forget that Simon cannot wrap his head around or allow his heart to practice, and he muses wryly:

“It was too bad their father [Andres] hadn’t given them advice on how to forget as well – when the friendship was broken and the honor dead and the faithfulness a sin and a secret, disgraceful torment, and there was nothing left of the bond but the bleeding wound that would never heal… Simon wasn’t good at forgetting. He was not to blame for that. And he had never spoken a single word that he ought to have withheld.” ²³

Simon prides himself on never speaking brashly, never acting in an unthinking and careless manner. Whereas Erlend could be the poster-child for recklessness, Simon sees himself as ever-thoughtful, ever considerate, ever weighing, and in so identifying himself in this habit he cannot understand how to also embrace the certain forgetful forgiveness that Erlend so easily practices. In this way, Simon reminds me of the character of Javert from Les Miserables, so concerned with fairness and justice that he cannot understand the concept of mercy, even towards himself. In the same way that Javert is driven to the depths of despair after Valjean spares his life, Simon is brought to a similar existential crisis after Erlend first saves his life, and then Simon learns that Erlend kept secret the involvement of Simon’s own brothers in the treasonous plot Erlend was tortured over for months.

Simon finally learns this secret after Gaute, Erlend’s third son, accuses Simon of having been involved in the plot against the king and allowing Erlend to take all the blame for it, after Gaute admits to seeing the Dyfrin (Simon’s family) seal on the conspiratorial papers. Simon’s immediate reaction is to assume Erlend stole his own seal and forged the papers with it, which he quickly realizes to be utterly unfair towards Erlend and untrue. Both Erlend and Kristin, however, see what Simon had first assumed about Erlend, and realize how little regard Simon has for his brother-in-law to immediately think Erlend would do such a thing. In truth, the Dyfrin seal appeared there because Simon’s two brothers had been involved in the plot alongside Erlend, and Simon realizes that Erlend protected Simon’s family by refusing to reveal their involvement for all those months Erlend underwent torture in prison. Additionally, Erlend continued afterwards to keep Simon’s brothers’ entanglement a secret from Simon so that Simon did not feel indebted to Erlend or angry at his brothers.

All of this becomes too much for Simon, as he begins to spiral, losing his grip on his self-image as superior to Erlend:

“He had managed to be tolerably content with his lot.

But only as long as he knew that he was the one who had served those two: Kristin and the man she had chosen in his stead. They had always been in need of his support.

Now this had changed. Kristin had risked her life and soul to save the life of his son. It felt as if all the old wounds had opened up ever since he allowed that to happen.

Later he became indebted to Erlend for his own life.

And then, in return, he had affronted the man – not intentionally, and only in his thoughts, but still…

“Et dimitte nobis debita nostra, sicut et nos dimittibus debitoribus nostris.” It was strange that the Lord had not also taught them to pray: “sicut et nos dimittibus creditoribus nostris.” [as we forgive our creditors] … He knew that in some way he had always been able to forgive his debtors. It seemed much harder to forgive anyone who had bound a debt around his neck.” ²⁴

Simon, in his despair, is identifying a key spiritual truth; many times, it is easier to forgive those in debt to us than to forgive those to whom we are in debt. How often do we experience the desire to distance ourselves from those who we have had to ask much of, to feel embarrassed and ashamed towards those to whom we feel we have burdened. Those who make us feel humiliated, belittled, indebted, condescended to, those people can be the hardest to treat with charity when they have so wounded our own pride. This exposes one of Erlend’s greatest virtues, his humility. Erlend never views himself as above anyone or anything, never experiences shock when he makes mistakes or has been foolish, never begrudges people for having had to help him. His humility is what allows Erlend to act with such freedom from the opinions and thoughts of others and gives him the confidence that draws others to him, despite his often thoughtless and frustrating actions. It is this humility that so frustrates Kristin and Simon, because while both are exceedingly more considerate and respectful than Erlend, much of it flows from their own pride and their desire to be perceived by others in a certain manner. Erlend strips off the mask of righteousness from Kristin and Simon’s pride, lays bare how much of their thoughtfulness and industry stems from their self-righteousness, and prevents them from deluding themselves back into seeing their habits as purely virtuous.

Simon comes to realize that he owes even his deep love of Kristin to Erlend, as the Kristin Simon loves is a direct result of her relationship with Erlend. Had Kristin married Simon, she would not be the person she has become, and Simon would not love her in the same way:

“Her expression, as she walked past him and went out into the night to find help for his child… she would not have dared to take those measures if she had not been Erlend’s wife and had grown accustomed to acting fearlessly, even when her heart trembled with anguish. Her tear-streaked smile when she woke him up and said the boy was calling for his father… A smile of such heartbreaking sweetness was possible only for someone who knew what it meant both to lose a battle and to win.

It was Erlend’s wife whom he loved – the way he loved her now.” ²⁵

How painful! Even Simon’s secret love for Kristin, that hidden fire that he feels should be his alone, Simon owes to Erlend.

In desperation to help hold together his fracturing heart, Simon goes to Erlend to apologize for his hurtful assumptions against Erlend, seeking to find some way to escape this crushing weight of indebtedness towards the man Simon needs to feel is indebted to him.

“Simon, agitated and distraught, felt his heart trembling. He found it unbearable. The other man seemed to think that they could now dismiss this matter from their minds. In the pale moonlight Erlend’s face looked so genuinely peaceful. Simon’s voice quavered with emotion as he spoke again. “Forgive me, Erlend, but I don’t see how I could have believed–”

…

“But let’s not think about this anymore, kinsman. It’s best if we forget about it as soon as we can.”

“I can’t do that!”

“But, Simon!” This was spoken in reproach, with mild astonishment. “It’s not worth it to take this so seriously.”

“I can’t – don’t you understand? I’m not as good a man as you are.”Erlend gave him a bewildered look. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“I’m not as good a man as you are. I can’t so easily forgive those I have wronged.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” repeated Erlend in the same tone of voice.

“I mean…” Simon’s face was contorted with pain and desperation. His voice was low, as if he were stifling an urge to scream out the words. “I mean that I’ve heard you speaking kindly of Judge Sigurd of Steigen, the old man whose wife you stole. I’ve seen how you loved Lavrans with all the love of a son. And I’ve never noticed that you bore any grudge toward me because you… enticed my betrothed away from me. I’m not as noble-minded as you think, Erlend. I’m not as noble-minded as you are. I … I do bear a grudge toward the man whom I have wronged.”

His cheeks flecked with white from the strain, Simon stated into the eyes of his companion. Erlend had listened to him with his mouth agape.

“I’ve never realized this until now! Do you hate me, Simon?” he whispered, overwhelmed.

“Don’t you think I have reason to do so?”

…

“I can’t bear to see you anymore,” said Simon.

“But that was twenty years ago, man!” exclaimed Erlend, overcome and confused.

“Yes. But don’t you think she’s … worth thinking about for twenty years?”

Erlend pulled himself erect in the saddle. He met Simon’s eyes with a steady, open gaze. The moonlight lit a blue-green spark in his big, pale blue eyes.

“Yes, yes, I do. May God bless her!”

For a moment he sat motionless. Then he spurred his horse and galloped off through the puddles so the water sprayed up behind him. ²⁶

This scene is one of my absolute favorites in the entire novel. (I mean, the line, ‘don’t you tink she’s… worth thinking about for twenty years?’ - so romantic!) We have Simon, frantically seeking for Erlend to show a grudge against Simon just as Simon has always begrudged him. Simon needs Erlend to show a lack of forgiveness, because it will allow Simon to maintain his image of superiority to Erlend in his mind. Instead, Erlend not only forgives Simon, he forgives Simon easily and with utter peace, treating the entire matter as something inconsequential and not to be worried over anymore. For Simon, this is intolerable. If Erlend shows such easy mercy and desire for true reconciliation, it undermines the justification for all the years Simon withheld full mercy and kept Erlend at an arms length.

Desperately, Simon tries further to encourage Erlend to begrudge Simon, admitting that Erlend is a better man because he is able to forgive so easily, to forget and move on in peace, until finally Simon is compelled to even admit the truth of the anger and judgement he has held against Erlend all these years.

Erlend’s shocked reaction reveals just how innocently he had loved and cherished Simon all these years, as he asks Simon in bewilderment if Simon hates him. For almost two decades, Erlend has viewed Simon with affection as a brother and one of Erlend’s closest kinsmen; now, he is suddenly learning that Simon has despised him this entire time. It is moments like these that we truly see the authenticity of how poor Erlend’s emotional awareness is, and therefore how truly innocent many of his actions are. That doesn’t excuse his thoughtlessness and all his areas where he has hurt others through being inconsiderate, those are absolutely still faults of Erlend’s where he needs to take responsibility and grow. However, Erlend truly always has good intentions, is always genuine towards others, and never says or does things with ulterior motives or feelings, and for me this engenders a great deal more compassion and goodwill towards Erlend. He’s so like a child in many ways, needing to grow up in many ways but always pure of heart.

In contrast, Kristin and Simon are constantly doing these that exteriorly seem good, pure, and righteous, but with hearts full of anger, resentment, and embitterment. They are incredibly thoughtful and considerate, but their hearts are cold and acidic towards those closest to them. These three main characters demonstrate deeply how important both our decisions and intentions are, and that neither can be dismissed as less vital. Through Erlend, we clearly see that having pure intentions and goodwill towards others won’t stop you from bringing deep destruction and wrenching pain to those you love unless those good intentions are coupled with prudence and consideration. Through Simon and Kristin, we see that thoughtfulness and righteous action will not lead to happiness unless such habits are carried out with true love and self-gift, empty of the motivation of our own ego.

I love “Honor Among Kin”, because the characters all experience moments where the fruits of both their virtues and vices are exposed in incontrovertible ways. Erlend can no longer avoid seeing how brash actions have disrupted and scarred the lives of those he loves, and despite his easy forgiveness and peaceful contentment, deep division now exists between both him and Simon and him and Kristin. For Kristin and Simon, each finds themselves needing to decide whether they will keep clutching onto their own self-righteousness as a means of salvation, or entrust themselves to God. Unfortunately, just as Kristin earlier in the chapter refuses to make the Sign of the Cross and ask for God’s help, Simon too chooses to move into that frozen isolation, entombed away from the touch of God’s mercy and the call to show mercy to others. After his confrontation with Erlend, Simon makes the choice to hide from God, to hide from anything that reminds him of his own need for restoration.

“He wouldn’t go to church in the morning, even though he might need to. He had once promised Lavrans that he would never miss a mass without an exceedingly good reason. But it hadn’t helped him much to keep that promise during all these years, he thought bitterly. Tomorrow he was not going to ride to mass.” ²⁷

1. 715

2. 726

3. 704-705

4. 712

5. 722

6. 712

7. 724

8. 724

9. 725

10. 760

11. 764

12. 709

13. 711

14. 740

15. 743

16. 765

17. 776

18. 777

19. 778

20. 784

21. 787

22. 788

23. 803-804

24. 804

25. 806

26. 811-813

27. 818